Mad World
by Duckgomery
Summary: Who ever said that living with someone like Envy would be easy, boring, or legal. No one, that's who, as Ed finds out the hard way.  contains boyxboy lovin'. In all seriousness though, this is a story about friends, pairings are a secret and it's an AU :P
1. Chapter 1

Sweat baby sweat baby sex is a Texas drought  
Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about  
So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel...

"Do you know what time it is" I answered wearily, having been woken from much need sleep by my 'beloved' best friend/room mate's call.

"Three twenty seven and thirty one, two, three, four,..." he continued on, ever the smart arse.

"Yes, it is three fucking thirty in the morning, so why are you calling me at this time? If don't have your key on you, then forget it, you're sleeping outside, and before you call it a bluff remember the last four times you forgot them." I finished, rolling onto my back, attempting to brush my hair back from my face, phone pressed to my ear, mentally preparing myself for what ever story he was going to throw my way.

"Well, I'm kind of at the police station at the moment and I may need a ride and for my bestest buddy in the whole wide world to come down and give me a lift home" he replied as cheerful as anything, probably hoping that cheerfullness was infectious, knowing that he was treading on thin ice with me as it was. He knew how much I hated being woken up.

To be perfectly honest though, I wasn't surprised. With all that he got up to, it was only a matter of time before he got caught for something. I knew better than to ask what it was for now, better to beat it out of him once I got some rest. "Where am I picking you up from?" I enquired in a monotone.

"Oh my God, thank you soooooooo much Eddy,I'm at Central's main office, you know the one on the boulevard with the ice-cream store that we just love and that outlet store where..." I hung up, knowing that he'd ramble on for about as long as it took me to get there before he'd notice that i'd hung up on him.

Begrudgingly, I pulled myself out of bed, picking up a pullover, my wallet and unceremonially shoving my feet into some shoes before stepping outside. Pulling on the jumper as I made my way down the stair case, not bothering with the elevator, before leaving the apartment building and making my way over to my old bomb of a car. It was nothing but scrap metal, but I had a soft spot for the 'box on wheels' as Envy had dubbed it. As much as I loved it though, getting it started was a bitch.

Pulling up to the station, I let out a yawn. Man, friend or not, that boy was going to get it. Pocketing my keys, I headed into the station where my ever present headache was waiting, handcuffed to one of the seats in the foyer. He smiled sheepishly at me, and I returned his look with my infamous not impressed face,"Who do I have to speak to get you out of here?" coldly addressing Envy.

"The pig at the desk, and will you hurry. You know I only like being handcuffed when the cuffs are fluffy" he whined. Rolling my eyes, I turned my back to him and made my way to the desk and rang the bell, hoping to get this over and done with as soon as possible, I had a bed to get back to. What I wasn't expecting was for the before mentioned pig to be so young.

"So i'm guessing you're here to pick up that thing?" indicating to Envy, who having heard this gave out an offended cry.

"Yup, thanks for baby sitting 'n' all" yawning as I did. He chuckled, before pushing a piece of paper and a pen my way, "I'll just need you to fill out this release form Mister...?"

"Elric, Edward Elric." filling out the form as me made conversation, "And you are?" scrawling details such as birthdates, relation to the arrested, etc.

"Constable Roy Mustang at your service Mr Elric" smile on his face. I returned one in response.

"Will you two stop your flirting, these are starting to chaffe" a disgruntled voice came from behind us. I turned to the tall Ravenette "Sorry about his manners, he gets cranky when up past his bedtime"

"No problem, just make sure that he stays out of trouble" he responded whilst unlocking the handcuffs.

I turned and headed for the door, before looking over my shoulder"Can't make any promises there Constable" as I dragged Envy out of the station and towards the car.


	2. Chapter 2

All the way back from the station was spent in silence. I knew that he wasn't to pleased with me but it so wasn't my fault...well this time I may have had I hand in a little bit of this and that,, but not enough for me to be held responsible and chucked in the slammer. "Eddy bear," I started, "Don't you Eddy bear me you fucktard, you do not get to 'Eddy bear' me when you woke me up at three fucking thirty in the morning" my cranky roomy responded in an eerie monotone.

This had me worried. Whenever Ed spoke in a monotone it meant one of two things, and I knew that he couldn't possible be bored, he had me present in his life to obliterate the notion of boredom, which meant that things weren't going to look good for me in the not to near future. By coming to this deduction, I decided that it would be beneficial for my health if I zipped it for the duration of the journey, which is easier said than done I must say.

…

Upon waking, I went about getting ready for the day ahead, or in my case, Operation don't give Ed anymore reasons to be pissed at me. To put this operation into action I decided to be a good boy and make coffee. Sweet as honey with a dash of milk for me, black as my Mother's heart for Ed, let's just say that my mum's a bit of a bitch.

Sipping from my mug, I tried to work up the courage to deliver the peace offering to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world. Just as I was about to go and give it to him like a man, he decided it was time to grace me with his presence. Nothing says bow down to me, i'm sexy like bed hair, old, dirty clothes and stubble, but I held my tongue, having learnt in the past that you don't go around poking bears with sticks. Especially if that bear had to be woken up at quote 'three fucking thirty' in order to get your sorry arse out of police custody.

I sat there, trying not to make eye contact as he sipped the bitter brew. "Ed, let me explain," he raised a hand to cut me off, still not looking at me, sipping away. We sat there in silence for god knows how long before he placed his now empty cup down, clearing his throught as he did. I took that as my que to get him another cup, running off to do so.

He still hadn't said anything to me, which made me abit apprehensive. Usually by now he'd have ripped my a new one, lectured me, and roughed me up a tad, but no. This time he'd decided to give me the silent treatment, letting me stew before he swept in for the kill, or maybe that wasn't his intention, maybe he was plotting how he'd get back at me. At this stage my mind was talking itself into all sorts of scenarios. All sorts of possibilities were arising, and as time went on, the outcomes were looking bleaker and bleaker for yours truly.

…

Seeing the state that Envy had gotten into, I decided to put an end to the torture. Finishing the last dregs from my second cup of coffee for the day, I made my way over to my distressed friend, who was now oblivious to the world, having been caught up in the chaos of his warped mind. Placing a hand on his shoulder seemed to snap him out of his episode, fear etched all over his slender features, lavender eyes wide in panic, "Ed, I'm so sorry. It won't happen again, I promise. Just please don't castrate me with a spork, I'll be good" he blurted out. Why bother thinking up punishments myself, when he's perfectly capable of scaring the shit out of himself.

"Don't worry, not this time," I said with a smirk, ", but you know the punishment for trips down to the station don't you?" I asked the taller boy ever so sweetly. "yeah, yeah, I know, paying your rent" he replied solemly. "Good boy" ruffling his hair as I turned away, heading back to the confines of my room. Time to start the day 'n' all.


End file.
